Problems aren’t problems and thats the solution.

I’m just so dang emotional today. Like where does this mess coming from? My first assumption is there’s a soul mate out there somewhere who is on her period. If not that, it’s probably A Mermaid deemed the mystic creature that will lure my sailor Jerry actin behind to my death. Speaking of women and mystic creatures, maybe I’m better off with a mermaid after all. If that were the case, id able to say we were mermaid for each other! Ba dum tis, Sometimes I’m puny.

So many things. So many thoughts running through my head. What do I do with it? It’s devastating, these things control me, they handicap me. Everything is so annoying to me today. I feel like it may just be that I dislike where I am with my life at this moment. I feel like I need to dub that the source of the pain. So, for the sake of time ill assume my biggest problem today is I’m not happy where my life is. The setting of my life being all the smaller things that are not where I see they need to be. First and foremost, I want to lie to myself and say everyone has problems and that mine are no different. I also want to remind myself that all of my problems are situations I said yes to. I did this. No one else. I feel like every problem we face aren’t really problems. I feel as if they’re just situations that can be overcame with as little as understanding and ownership to the situation at hand. See, we don’t have problems, we have life and life is beautiful isn’t it? So. Situations, not problems. And, to solve the situation, or make it through when you feel you can’t, be sure understand the situation well enough to explain it to a 6-year-old and then take ownership. Next, you wait. And trust me, I’ll be waiting with you, hell, everyone in this world, a sum odd 8 BILLION people are waiting with you and me. WE all have situations.

Situations –

  • I’m annoyed with the current setting of my career. I have a job as an engineer on board a 170 class Offshore Supply Vessel where I’m expected to act as a mechanical genius for deckhand pay. Yippee. On top of that, I have two Captains on board who seem to enjoy watching me struggle. I feel as if they sense one small dose of inexperience and run straight to my bosses at the shore side home office. That is annoying to me beyond words. It makes me feel like I’m a fish being judged on my ability to climb a tree. On top of that, I’m so exhausted. I work a 60-day hitch and I’m usually scheduled to be off for 30 days. But, since I’ve been with this company, since October 1st I assume, I’ve had 20 days at home. That’s 8 months. To give some credit, during those 8 months I did go to school to further my education in Norfolk Virginia for thirty days. Regardless of school or work, I’ve been busy as for 8 months and its taking a toll on me. Its absurd to think it’s not.
  • I just got out of this super stressful relationship with a woman who stole my self-worth. We lived together, made plans together, we did life together. After realizing I cannot handle it anymore I left. Leaving made me homeless. Leaving made me lonely, and kind of in another entirely different situation with equal amounts of stress just because of my career and how my word turns. I fly to work, everything I own is with her and I left it. So this will be a challenge in its own to take the next step in life. Regardless, I can’t do it from out here in the Gulf so there’s no real point in worrying about it. My only peace with this now is realizing I made this decision and it’s for the best. I have no second thoughts and break ups are hard for many reason so I will refuse to jump back into her just to make life easier. These things may seem hard now, but they’re blocks that build character and experience for my mental and I will be just fine I’m sure of it.
  • While I was in Norfolk Virginia for my Engineering license I bought a car. The day I bought my car I got on the interstate and raced a Challenger and got pulled over immediately. Such is life for me. Ha-ha. 135 in a 55. So, on top of practically being homeless, I have to be in Virginia for court upon getting off the boat at the conclusion of this hitch. So much for a break. I’m sure I’ll get called in early when I’m done with court and possible jail time. The silver lining is, if I go to jail for my driving, at least I will get some rest. Rest from work, rest from stress, people… Hell, even rest from myself.
  • My child’s mother. My family or lack thereof. My past relationships and bridges I’ve burned both romantic and not. I mean, too much stuff to list. It’s all depressing to me. I’m going to assume my boycotting them all to written details to which a small child could comprehend is my way of cowering out of dealing with my problems. I’m extremely hard on myself so I’m sure that is the case. But, for what it’s worth I’m off to a good start so to heck that negativity right now.

Solution-

  • Understand the situation and the fact that I said yes to everything. I allowed these situations to occur due to my own behavior or accepting behavior of someone else.
  • Seek support from friends, a type writer, or a higher power of my choosing.
  • Pray
  1. I feel as if something is changing in my life. I feel as if that moment where a boy wakes up and becomes a man happened this year. All the bad things that were weighing me down legit disappeared and for the life of me I feel like I don’t deserve it. My son of 6 years and I are getting the opportunity to be part of each other’s life. I saw criminal charges from the past that I was guilty of get dropped for no reason. I’ve seen delinquent credit reports fall off for no reason. I’ve got word my probation officer requested I be terminated from probation 5 years early for no reason. All of these things happened on their own. Did I change my life? YES. But, I don’t feel I deserve all this. I don’t feel like I’ve paid for my sins in full. I haven’t paid my debt to society I agreed I would pay. Regardless if I felt I deserved the extent of the punishment I was given, I still accepted it. I handled my business but I was cut off the hook before our arranged time and I feel guilty of it. I’m equally as thankful as I’m guilty but none the less, I feel undeserving of so much forgiveness. I feel undeserving of so much.
  2. I want to acknowledge that I see the things happening in my life. I want to believe that things are happening to show me that things get better. Fall down 6 times get up 7 right? You can struggle for your entire life but all it takes is that one break, that one good day, month, or if we are lucky enough, year. I want to believe the hardships i’m experiencing currently are nothing I’ve faced before because in the past I’ve been a coward. I never lived a life I appreciated. I’ve never fought like I have lately to prove myself before. I’ve spent so many years trying to fix mistakes I made and now it seems like my problems I have on my plate are those of life, which effortlessly reminds me life comes with its own issues and I no longer have to create them. I’m struggling now because I’m a Man. I’m struggling because I can carry the weight bestowed on me without asking for help, without using alcohol, drugs, or women as a distraction. I’m struggling because there’s a breakthrough on my horizon. Because there’s a little boy in this world with my DNA running through his body that needs me more than I need myself. That scares me. The fear encourages me. These past few months of watching everything turn for the best on its own has given me proof and hope that i’m not alone. That something somewhere is out there on my side. I will use these experiences to carry forth with a head full of confidence, held high. I can do this and I can do the with the faith I have in what I believe in, my God.

God, I feel like you are shaping me into the Man I always believed I was. You’re changing my life from the inside out. I’ve tried my entire life to be better than my raise and I think at 27 you’re instilling your best version of me in my life. I’ve been so stressed lately, but somehow I feel like you’re talking to me as I type. I feel like i’m changing because I am. You’re making me the Man you want me to be, the Man I know i’ve been meant to be. You’re evolving me from a product of my raise to a product of your forgiveness and strength. I believe in you, Sir. I believe in you because I cannot believe in my upbringing. I cannot rely on the experiences of my childhood and young adult life to move forward in a positive direction for the life you chose for me. I am so thankful I am not in prison while writing this. I’m so thankful I haven’t had to hit rock bottom to look up. Amen.

 

TLH

Graffiti

 

I’m going through a new phase in my life, Trying to step out the box of orthodox and write about things differently. I’ve read experimenting with my writing will sharpen my skills, or lack there of. The thread also said to write for thirty minutes and write action packed sentences. My first thought was, well that’s easy, I have an action packed life, but then i realised i most certainly do not have an action packed life. My life is so boring i actually create my own problems. The most exciting thing i have to offer in this writing today is my knee feels like it’s about to explode. Exciting*

I’ve known as a kid i was a adrenaline junky. I was always doing stupid shit. Jumping off roofs into above ground swimming pools, stealing farm equipment to joy ride, jumping off bridges, drinking too much… I was just your normal everyday kid. NOT. I sure thought i was though. There was this one time when i was 9 years old and I had these older friends that clearly were NOT a bad influence on me. Anyhow, we broke into this abandoned house and took our frustration out on it. Well, they did. ME being the genius i am, i just spray painted a super heroes name on the wall.I always believed in great people and looked up to them, and, i was always looking for something to believe in.

Months later, at 0200, i was in the living room playing this bad ass game called Worms Armageddon on my step dads PlayStation. I look out the window and see 4 cops. What in the hell, right? I don’t even think ive ever saw a cop before this in rel life. So, i go to wake up my mother by telling her cops are at the door. As and fantastic parent would do my Mother approached the situation and before you know it i was in custody. The officers were extremely nice, they didn’t even put me in handcuffs. I mean, why would they? I was 9 years old and i obviously denied everything. As fate would have it though, the proof i had been in the house was inevitable seeing how the name “Tommie Hurst” was blasted all over the abandoned houses’ living room wall.

Did you catch that? Not only was i arrested for a felony at 9 years old, but i also had the mental capability to realize im my own personal hero. The truth is, no one has you like you. You and your own personal Jesus have your back until the end of time. Realizing this, in my mid twenties, i started to make better decisions. It’s a fight every day. Some of you may have no idea what its like, to have all this bravado in your veins. I wake up everyday and have to choose to be good. It doesn’t come natural. Theres a monster in me man, but I keep it on a tight leash. Theres something inside of me that is full of passion, excitement. It’s a burning desire to DO something. Anything. I just want to do it, no matter what it is. So, i have to channel it, i have to pour out that emotion, that furious ball of eagerness, into positive things. I focus my anxiety on good. IT was hard at first, to be an action sports adrenaline junky, and focus that rush on little things, like writing a blog or reading a book. But, i do it. I exert my mind rather than my body. I exert my fingertips on a keyboard rather than my fist on a wall, my body on hers, or my hands on a bottle. But, i do it everyday. Every day I win this battle. All for one simple reason, i believe in myself. I believed in myself before anyone else ever did.

Tommie Leegraffiti

The Wheelhouse Window

12-2-2016                                                                                                                                      1013hrs

The Wheelhouse Window

There’s a Southerly’ wind’a’blowin according to the electronics on my dash, but I can tell just by the white caps on the waves that I obliterate with my fore-peak. I guess I never really needed instruction as to what the weather is gonna be like, I feel it in my bones. I know when that red sun rises on a Texas sky that the weather is going to be a challenge. Knowing I have a sail scheduled for Port Fouchon, I get my 155 foot supply vessel ready for our last 14 day journey before crew change. My fore-peak that holds a ballast tanks is completely topped off with potable ballast water. This ballast tank, as well as the remainder of the ballast tanks along the outskirts of my vessel are full of water. This water in the ballast tanks gives us the weight we need to crashing through these white-capped waves as easy as riding a bike… Except the bikes in hell, you are in hell, and everything is hell, basically.

I spend a lot of time out here on the water, and the truth is its easy to see things differently out here, hold on, my Yetti just slid off the dash. Shit, there goes my coffee, I guess I better get that; anyhow I see things differently out here. I see my friends go through so many problems that sometimes seem so self-made. “I just want to be happy”, “I don’t know what to do about my house”, “I’m married but I like another guy”, “My job sucks” or my recent discovery from a friend-“I’m gay and am afraid of coming out”. HAHA. DUDE I KNOW! “Why didn’t you just tell me!?” he shouted. My response is the same to him as it will be everyone, “You mean you want me to tell you what YOUR sexual preference is?” Dude, I cannot even deal with you right now. The solution to our self made problems seem so simple from out here, away from the normal world you more than likely reside in. What makes you happy? Dick? Masculinity? Copious amounts of body hair and crude humor? Ha ha, go for it, buddy. Its not my place to judge you for being gay. I honestly care less and you’re still going to be one of my best friends, I am warning you now though, if that fairy comes between me and you, ill lay him the hell out. I mean its no contest seeing how hes a fairy and all. I mean, can gay guys fight? Do they have some kind of magical gay rainbow dust that gives them America Ninja Warrior fighting skills and cat-like reflexes? Do they have some magical unicorn horn they’ll pull out of the spandex panties that they wield out in a frantic fury? No. They don’t. I mean, it’d be pretty bad-ass if they did. It all sounds pretty cool actually, and now, I kinda want one for myself. A magical fairy dust blowin’, unicorn horn wielding, gay boy as a side kick. I bet a man can pull ungodly amounts of ass at a bar with a cute side kick man-boy. This is all getting too exciting, maybe ill covert to the gay tribe myself. I mean it all sounds fantastic while writing this but lesbihonest, I love a big booty hoe’s, and by “hoe’s” I mean a God fearing woman whom brings out the purest Man in me. Speaking of, I have nothing but respect for the entire LGBT, LGTB, LG”STFU” whatever it is, do what you do. In all honesty, whose place is it to judge you? Are you afraid of loosing yourself by your choices? Don’t be. You are you no matter what. You make your choices and you learn to live with them. Either way, you’ll only be a coward by hiding who you truly are, so, be you. Sell your house, move to Kentucky, and marry a Fairy. Also, if I might add, you can even add a tiny midget parade and have your best men and women dress in leather chaps and what knot. Throw in some little dick cakes, and I am willing to bet you have some crazy ass Aunt who will cover one of them in brown icing just to make it her version of funny. Before you know it you’ll have a wedding more majestic than a waterfall of unicorn vaginas. Then again, this is just my views from the Wheelhouse Window.

I freaking HATE when I get off topic like that. Do you see how life can be out here? I told you being a mariner is like riding a bike, except you’re in hell, and apparently, this hell is full of magical gay demon-boys with unicorn antlers or some shit.

Fair Seas.20161030_180257-01

The Pyrrhic Victory

Life is a battle. A battle where you may be fortunate enough to make your own decisions and based off those decisions you can can succeed, or crash and burn furiously. A Pyrrhic Victory, which came from Roman times, means that you won something, like a battle, but in order to win, you had to lose so much that you really hadn’t won at all. I think we all have our own form of Pyrrhic victories. Ones victory may be traveling the world and experiencing cultures, but, the loss of your hometown culture was at stake. I myself experiance extreme loss on the hour. For me, every second of my life at sea is a Pyrrhic Victory. I have it all out here, happiness, challenges, victories, self growth, and a substantial salary that I’m okay with. But the truth behind these victories is every moment spent here is one a moment I miss at home. It’s a laugh, a smile, or even a sense of love that someone misses out on from my lack of existence. It’s true, I’ve lost so much from being gone that my success at work isn’t really that phenominal, or is it? When my salt infused days come to a conclusion and I’m laying in my death bed, I’m sure I’ll cover my arthritis filled bones with a blanket of depression at the realization that my best years were spent on a boat made of steal and surrounded by men made of wood. Which reminds me-I remember the days boats where made of wood and the men were made of steal, but that’s beside the fact. The point is this-don’t squander your future. Yes, you’ve been told a hundred thousand times already, but underline the process again.

 Today. Find your meaning in this life. Because, the sad reality is Pyrrhic victories are necessary, they truly are. We as a race have to make sacrifices in order to advance. We have to grow.

 Now, nothing in life is free. I have to spend years at sea. Yes, I’ll regret the times I’ve missed at home with one’s I love and have yet to love, but it’s a necessary victory for the growth behind my failure. So, fail today. I mean crash and burn like it’s your last day. Live your life to the fullest and hope like hell tomorrow comes. Once tomorrow comes, kick back, spend the dollars you’ve earned by the many eager hours spent on the clock. Splurge on that cup of coffee, that shirt, or even them new 400 dollar sound proof Bose headphones. That’s right! Am I the first to say it? In the context of this blog-fail today and live tomorrow. Just make sure your failures make you better than the individual you were yesterday, because at the end of the day, it’s better to fail at something worthwhile than to accomplish something meaningless. 

I just mind fucked my way into success, again.

Tommie L Hurst 

Mariners log

Several things come to mind. First off, I’m stoked. I absolutely cannot believe where I’m at with my career. I did it. I mean I really over came the odds. I’m not a statistic. I accomplished so much more than they said I would and I dang sure went further than I thought I could so quickly.

I came from a long line of sinners, my parents are non existent. Yes, I do know them and I contact them regularly. But, I am their son. I have the worst of each of them and that fears me; I don’t know what good qualities they passed along. I think I have my mother’s sense of humor, but it’s for show, It’s not a constant. I have my Dad’s creative ambitious mind. But, I also have my mother’s brains, this leaves me accomplishing things so quickly that I get bored and move on. I’m nomadic with career goals- and relationships. Which is a shame to say the least. My fears are I have my parents short temper. I saw my mother run men into the ground, yet I saw my dad carry on these long term relationships. I don’t know who I am when it comes to this. Honestly, I don’t know right from wrong I feel. Maybe I just have extremely high standards? Maybe I’m just wanting more?…

 If I’m being honest with myself, these are not actual concerns. They can’t be, I won’t allow it. I’m 26, I have an amazingly fulfilling career and I know what I want in life. So what if I expect nothing less than perfect. That’s what’s wrong with society now! They waste too much damn time trying to change something. They get complacent and miserable in their career and lives in general. Holy smokes man, I almost beat myself up thinking I expect too much, the sad reality is its my life and I can want perfection in my life. It’s who I am. I am proud of myself. I will be proud of my job. I will be proud of my wife. I will be proud of our children and we will make an impact on this world. Don’t blame me if you can’t handle that. If it’s not in your cards then fold. 

I am Tommie LEE Hurst, I was ran through defacs as a kid, I was a nomad growing up. I went through 6 highschools three middles schools and 4 elementary schools. I dropped out of high school to get a GED I joined the Marines March 6 2007 and got discharged by 2008. I have 3 dui’s, 2 first offender felonies and a drinking problem when I’m upset. I lost a good career due to alcohol and a pretty decent girl along the way. I picked myself back up and played my hand to the best of my ability. Before I knew it I became an engineer on a 150 foot vessel making more money than I’ve ever made in my life. I trust people who deserve my trust, I love anyone who gets distant from me because in my mind I’m chasing the mother that ran out on me. I can’t watch porn because it makes me self conscious about my body and makes me think women like to be treated the way they’re treated in videos. I don’t like blow jobs because I find them to be disrespectful to a woman I care about. I like cooking dinner. I’m the man that’s going to sneeze in another room because I don’t want to bother you. I tiptoe around the house because I had to sneak around my house as a child not to disrupt my mother in her daily endeavors. I walked around with my tail tucked between my legs for many many years of my life and I still carry my head a little lower than I should. I’m brutally honest just because I hate being lied to. But, most importantly, I’m chasing a “God”. I need something better than myself to beleive in. Mainly because I fail my self repeatedly, and humans. There has to be something out there I can look up to. Something I can rely on. Something I can beleive in.
All in all, I do love me. I love myself so much I’d run across a beach just to run and jump into my own arms. For real. I really do dig myself that much. Mainly because, I know what I can offer this life. I know what I can offer my job, my friends, my family, etc. It’s their job to give me something to lay it all down for. Moral of all of this, love yourself, push yourself And always be great. Don’t let any job, any person, or anything tell you that you expect too much, after all, there’s enough followers in this world. Be the leader you are. Break your own chains and make sacrifices for yourself, the rest will fall into place. So, enjoy the pursuit because once you get to the finish line you’ll realize success didn’t make you, the pursuit did.
TLH

My Journey Home

       From as early as I can remember, I dreamed of being a captain of a ship. To be out there on the Ocean in the middle of the night, navigating by the stars. I always thought it would be the greatest life on Earth.

        Through my journey I’ve came across many mentors and personal leaders along the way. Some employed as Captains, some Artist, and some Philosophers. For the sake of this blog, I will honorably mention Odysseus. Odysseus was a Greek God as well as a very intelligent man. He is most famous for the Odyssey, a ten year trip returning back home. See, Odysseus played a major role in the Trojan war, but his most challenging objective was not the pursuit of being victorious in the Trojan war, but it was his return from the war! He spent a decade fighting, but his biggest battle was finding his way back home. How weird is that? I admire him for his life lessons I can learn from. Life isn’t always about accomplishing your dreams as much as it is knowing where your home is. Sometimes, we get so lost trying to make a living we forget to make a life. Being a captain must be great, that 6 figure salary is nothing to be ashamed of, but I’d take a hard working wife and a healthy child over that salary any day. Money is temporary, but your legacy will last forever.

       I know I’ll make a terrific Captain, but the fact of the matter is, I’ve accepted I can’t do every single silly thing I want to accomplish in life. I have to make choices, even harder than that, I have to be happy with the choices I make. With that being said, I think I am doing pretty well. I’m not saying this life is easy, but I do believe you’ll find some solace in the way I look at you. You see, sailors admire the Polaris, the north Star, that’s how they find their way home. When I look at you, that’s what I see. I see my way home.

TLH

Mona Lisa

Everyone knows your face, but no one know who you are. Everyone knows how valuable you are, but no one really can give an explanation as to why or what makes your legacy go on. Everyone looks at you but no one sees you for who you are, they don’t know how to look at you. They don’t know your chest is shaped as a heart. They don’t know how inquisitive you are. They don’t see how you’re trying to escape your canvas but the painter is holding you down. They don’t know that the horizon is the center piece of your beauty, that when you look at the painting as a whole, that you can actually see your smile. The don’t know you don’t have a ring on your finger. They don’t realize your right hand is placed over your left to signify your strength and diligence. They don’t see your detail, your beauty, how ever your modest clothing tells a story of who you are.

But that’s the problem with masterpieces like you, although we all see you, no one really takes the time to find out why you are the way you are. I did, and just the way you are is perfect to me. I’d hang you in every room in my house. I wouldn’t ever take you down. I’d position you so you could see the sun rises every morning over the marsh in my back yard. I’d position you on my wall at just the perfect height to where my eye sight was directly in line with your horizon so I could see you smile every day.

TLH

26 years and 107 days

26 years and 107 days old today. Ive recently realized im maxed out in my life at this point in time. I know where i am at, i just dont know what to do. What do i focus on? I know how to get out of debt, i like to use a strategy known as the “snowball affect”. Thats when you pay off your first bill and snowball that premium into your next bill and you keep rplling funds into your final biggest debt. Cool, got that down. I found happiness in life can be as simple as minding my own business, more importantly than that, happiness can also be accepting people for who they are. All in all, everyone has a purpose and its none of my business what that purpose is, its just my business to contribute my life to them if needed. Lets talk careers, work hard and know success comes more from what you do not know appossed to what you do know. That was a big one for me but again, its figured out. My career isnt where i want it, but i have the patients to know its coming. Everything will eventually fall into place if im diligent and eager for my next realization, if im ready for my next triumph… Which brings me to my recent and most significant realization thus far; Am i maxed out? I dont mean over loaded with stress, im referring to my experiance of learning in this point in my life… Ive been with my company for two years in the deck department and ive learned one thing and thats how to make my Captains cup of coffee the same color as Alicia Keys, a smudge of milk and one heeping teaspoon of sugar. Ive learned and experianced all I can in my department. Now theres still room to grow in life and in the wheel house, i spend copious amounts of time at the helm and i love it. My problem is, my title remains deckhand and i feel that resorts other people to limit my capabilities based on the bubble im trapped in of being a deckhand. Enough is enough sometimes and i feel like im loosing points on my IQ scale every day i work on deck. Im just not growing anymore and that kills me. Life is about progress, exploring every single thing, the pursuit of happiness and im maxed out where I’m at right now. But what do i do with it? I cant rely on people in my life for growth, theyre maxed out too. They lack the desire to set apart from the crowd. They’re okay with being ordinary… i cant be that or blend in there, i stick out like a sore thumb and get presumed as someone trying to be better than them (in a bad way). What do i do? Where do i go? The best conversation i have now-a-days is with a magnificent 31 year old woman and history books. Yes, i talk back to the author and trust me he’s listening more than some people ive met in my life. I crave knowledge and i crave experiances but where do i find them? I am so exhausted with being a ambitious person and being stuck in a world of mediocrity. Theres a life out there for me to thrive in and i will find it… One day at a time i suppose.

Heres to the overachievers.
-TLH