I’m just so dang emotional today. Like where does this mess coming from? My first assumption is there’s a soul mate out there somewhere who is on her period. If not that, it’s probably A Mermaid deemed the mystic creature that will lure my sailor Jerry actin behind to my death. Speaking of women and mystic creatures, maybe I’m better off with a mermaid after all. If that were the case, id able to say we were mermaid for each other! Ba dum tis, Sometimes I’m puny.
So many things. So many thoughts running through my head. What do I do with it? It’s devastating, these things control me, they handicap me. Everything is so annoying to me today. I feel like it may just be that I dislike where I am with my life at this moment. I feel like I need to dub that the source of the pain. So, for the sake of time ill assume my biggest problem today is I’m not happy where my life is. The setting of my life being all the smaller things that are not where I see they need to be. First and foremost, I want to lie to myself and say everyone has problems and that mine are no different. I also want to remind myself that all of my problems are situations I said yes to. I did this. No one else. I feel like every problem we face aren’t really problems. I feel as if they’re just situations that can be overcame with as little as understanding and ownership to the situation at hand. See, we don’t have problems, we have life and life is beautiful isn’t it? So. Situations, not problems. And, to solve the situation, or make it through when you feel you can’t, be sure understand the situation well enough to explain it to a 6-year-old and then take ownership. Next, you wait. And trust me, I’ll be waiting with you, hell, everyone in this world, a sum odd 8 BILLION people are waiting with you and me. WE all have situations.
- I’m annoyed with the current setting of my career. I have a job as an engineer on board a 170 class Offshore Supply Vessel where I’m expected to act as a mechanical genius for deckhand pay. Yippee. On top of that, I have two Captains on board who seem to enjoy watching me struggle. I feel as if they sense one small dose of inexperience and run straight to my bosses at the shore side home office. That is annoying to me beyond words. It makes me feel like I’m a fish being judged on my ability to climb a tree. On top of that, I’m so exhausted. I work a 60-day hitch and I’m usually scheduled to be off for 30 days. But, since I’ve been with this company, since October 1st I assume, I’ve had 20 days at home. That’s 8 months. To give some credit, during those 8 months I did go to school to further my education in Norfolk Virginia for thirty days. Regardless of school or work, I’ve been busy as for 8 months and its taking a toll on me. Its absurd to think it’s not.
- I just got out of this super stressful relationship with a woman who stole my self-worth. We lived together, made plans together, we did life together. After realizing I cannot handle it anymore I left. Leaving made me homeless. Leaving made me lonely, and kind of in another entirely different situation with equal amounts of stress just because of my career and how my word turns. I fly to work, everything I own is with her and I left it. So this will be a challenge in its own to take the next step in life. Regardless, I can’t do it from out here in the Gulf so there’s no real point in worrying about it. My only peace with this now is realizing I made this decision and it’s for the best. I have no second thoughts and break ups are hard for many reason so I will refuse to jump back into her just to make life easier. These things may seem hard now, but they’re blocks that build character and experience for my mental and I will be just fine I’m sure of it.
- While I was in Norfolk Virginia for my Engineering license I bought a car. The day I bought my car I got on the interstate and raced a Challenger and got pulled over immediately. Such is life for me. Ha-ha. 135 in a 55. So, on top of practically being homeless, I have to be in Virginia for court upon getting off the boat at the conclusion of this hitch. So much for a break. I’m sure I’ll get called in early when I’m done with court and possible jail time. The silver lining is, if I go to jail for my driving, at least I will get some rest. Rest from work, rest from stress, people… Hell, even rest from myself.
- My child’s mother. My family or lack thereof. My past relationships and bridges I’ve burned both romantic and not. I mean, too much stuff to list. It’s all depressing to me. I’m going to assume my boycotting them all to written details to which a small child could comprehend is my way of cowering out of dealing with my problems. I’m extremely hard on myself so I’m sure that is the case. But, for what it’s worth I’m off to a good start so to heck that negativity right now.
- Understand the situation and the fact that I said yes to everything. I allowed these situations to occur due to my own behavior or accepting behavior of someone else.
- Seek support from friends, a type writer, or a higher power of my choosing.
- I feel as if something is changing in my life. I feel as if that moment where a boy wakes up and becomes a man happened this year. All the bad things that were weighing me down legit disappeared and for the life of me I feel like I don’t deserve it. My son of 6 years and I are getting the opportunity to be part of each other’s life. I saw criminal charges from the past that I was guilty of get dropped for no reason. I’ve seen delinquent credit reports fall off for no reason. I’ve got word my probation officer requested I be terminated from probation 5 years early for no reason. All of these things happened on their own. Did I change my life? YES. But, I don’t feel I deserve all this. I don’t feel like I’ve paid for my sins in full. I haven’t paid my debt to society I agreed I would pay. Regardless if I felt I deserved the extent of the punishment I was given, I still accepted it. I handled my business but I was cut off the hook before our arranged time and I feel guilty of it. I’m equally as thankful as I’m guilty but none the less, I feel undeserving of so much forgiveness. I feel undeserving of so much.
- I want to acknowledge that I see the things happening in my life. I want to believe that things are happening to show me that things get better. Fall down 6 times get up 7 right? You can struggle for your entire life but all it takes is that one break, that one good day, month, or if we are lucky enough, year. I want to believe the hardships i’m experiencing currently are nothing I’ve faced before because in the past I’ve been a coward. I never lived a life I appreciated. I’ve never fought like I have lately to prove myself before. I’ve spent so many years trying to fix mistakes I made and now it seems like my problems I have on my plate are those of life, which effortlessly reminds me life comes with its own issues and I no longer have to create them. I’m struggling now because I’m a Man. I’m struggling because I can carry the weight bestowed on me without asking for help, without using alcohol, drugs, or women as a distraction. I’m struggling because there’s a breakthrough on my horizon. Because there’s a little boy in this world with my DNA running through his body that needs me more than I need myself. That scares me. The fear encourages me. These past few months of watching everything turn for the best on its own has given me proof and hope that i’m not alone. That something somewhere is out there on my side. I will use these experiences to carry forth with a head full of confidence, held high. I can do this and I can do the with the faith I have in what I believe in, my God.
God, I feel like you are shaping me into the Man I always believed I was. You’re changing my life from the inside out. I’ve tried my entire life to be better than my raise and I think at 27 you’re instilling your best version of me in my life. I’ve been so stressed lately, but somehow I feel like you’re talking to me as I type. I feel like i’m changing because I am. You’re making me the Man you want me to be, the Man I know i’ve been meant to be. You’re evolving me from a product of my raise to a product of your forgiveness and strength. I believe in you, Sir. I believe in you because I cannot believe in my upbringing. I cannot rely on the experiences of my childhood and young adult life to move forward in a positive direction for the life you chose for me. I am so thankful I am not in prison while writing this. I’m so thankful I haven’t had to hit rock bottom to look up. Amen.